Author: kathrynyr

I have lost my sense of humour

Can’t laugh out aloud and yell

My go to is my misery of life and living my hidden  hell

In years gone by I laughed and rolled, joyously in the air

The future held such promise – that has all gone as well

Who is this tiny tense smiling person, I know her not at all

The mirror shows aged lines and grimaces to sad to tell

Where is the girl with flowing hair who wanted to bounce through life?

Crushed under other’s dreams, stepped on like a mouse

Struggling under the weight of life

Crying far too much

Bring back my sense of humour, my joy of life and promise

I can not be this person any more

My world is damned and dark

Looking back over my musings I see the pattern forming

Sadly it is not one of light hope only of the darkness dawning.

Time has passed

The waters smoothed

The memories still fresh however not in the fore

Triggers still make me cry, the pain will never leave

Dropped from page 1 of the internet Search, not even page 2, 3 or 4

I only exist in the front of my mind, not any one elses

Have they forgotten? Moved on? Died?

The curses thrown back at them, let them suffer too.

Time does not sooth the anger and frustration that ripples in my head

The times when I know its wrong but I sincerely wish them dead

The fury is rising up, quelch it as I try

Torn between lashing out and hiding away to cry

Beathing deeply to retain my calm

A quiet veneer, only just skin deep

My head spinning, waves of responsibility and rage smashing around inside my head

Where did those smooth waters go?

How do I regain the calm?

No one sees my inner anguish, that will not go away

Take away this ripping pain, the endless stress and sorrow

Struggling, struggling to see the light that may be here tomorrow

Been a while since I have been on this page….at lot has happened since

A storm passed through our town and life, destruction and despair

Water torrented through our home, many others just as bad

Many local businesses inundated too- closed for business, down not out

I sustained an injury trying to problem solve as was home alone

Stitches in my hand the result. My palm’s life line now extended after a slight detour

Hours of cleaning, tossing, sadness, memories muddy and rotting

Tendons in my foot damaged from all the walking to and from the skip bin- hobbling around now

Worse still I have to wear flat shoes for ages it seems (well so the specialist advises)

The insurance dance commenced on day one, the annoyance of buck passing procedure and protocol

Seems the layers of process, contacts, people never ends.

Grandiose offers of support from insurance company ”layers”’, in reality we have to do most of it ourselves.

Following up, checking, clarifying, deciphering the jargon and small print

Weeks later we are really not much further advanced

We are out of the caravan into a lovely new rental home – bit like a Tupperware container – airtight and white!!

So lucky to have the caravan to go to for a few weeks….many did not (careful what you wish for…I told partner we should use the van more….).

So lucky to then have a home to go to…..many do not

How are those poor bushfire people coping? Everything gone.

At least ours is only trashed, wet, smelly and mouldy….there is still a few things to hold onto

Doggo not allowed at the rental. Morning and night I hobble to the old house and take her for a walk

I miss her

Waiting now for the …what? Electrician, Building Panel Expert (or whatever they are called), cleaner, assessor. We have had the hygienist (health inspection- not dentist)…Asbestos as well as mould under the flooring?? There is still mud under the base floor boards – I think they hope to dry this out – using our power and their noisy big driers. Part of the process!!!

Rendered walls are bubbling under the paint, moisture rising in the double brick walls – smell overwhelming

Power points cut from walls as they were under water and now there is moisture impacting the wiring.

Moisture not just from the storm…from my heart and eyes as well

We had all but finished the restoration of our 100 year old red brick home….wasted

Will update more…if it ever moves along in the ”process”!!!

My heart remains unhealed

Time they said, time would heal

Time just changes the shape of pain

It does not make it go away

It blurs the edges and moves it around inside your head

It never heals

it comes in waves, deep and cutting

Through my passive struggle

I know others suffer more than me

Well! differently but the same

I feel it too, piling on mine, theirs…I live it all

I don’t want to forget or move on to pale memories

I just want you back – then I will heal

It has been a while since I’ve seen your smile

The teeth uneven yet charming

You worried so much about your look,

your image to the world

but to me you were complete

You had few faults, well none I found

Your broody warmth encased me

I miss everything about you

They way you lit up when you saw me near

All your strength and weakness I held so dear

We were a pair, a match an eternity

Lost

Everyday – I miss your smile

Strangely I was dreaming of hair, the other night

There it was on a head- black and fairly spare

It wasn’t my head, as the lengths began to fall

Little tufts, and single strands – dropping to the floor

I looked up definition of the dream happening in my mind

Or did I? It was a dream after all!

Nothing described fitted the situation as was

Eventually the hair was gone, left was something shiny

It did not seem to be a head, just a ball of something tiny

I tossed and turned this in my mind and struggled with the meaning

What did this mean in my life? Surely dreams have purpose

I woke from thoughts of hair and falling, I looked around the floor

The sun was shining in the window, catching on the lamp

Was that what I saw? What did it mean?

Now wide awake, I dreamt no more of the hair falling from the ball

Maybe it meant nothing, nothing at all or maybe I missed it after all!

Sharing with another person, a life of aged eyes

How we see the day changes as we dull

They sparkle with interest then wane as life does pass

Our interests and excitements change

It has been a while since I have been here

I shake and tremble with fear

Have I anything to offer, spilling all I hold dear

My soft turtle belly lifted to the sun

I just don’t know – how my words will be spun

Vulnerable and needy…needy? no I am not

Sensitive and nervous – I am still shaking quite a lot

I want to share the torture, the web within my head

The deafening drip, drip of tangled thoughts, as they fall upon my tongue

Waiting to be vocalised or crushed into a mess

Perhaps I can spread them into the air, into the perishing heat of the day

If I could only stop my shaking – my fear could float away

Breathing, breathing, breaking , broken

I think my memory is fading
I can’t remember what I am told 
I am not ancient or decrepit
Or even very old
The new memories are fading, the old ones stay and haunt
I am scared and intrigued at what my life will hold

Where the darkness will lead me

Or will it let me go?

I look upon this writing and wonder as I type

Is it a memory I have written or media and hype?

Will I fade slowly as I struggle through the days

or will my mind just wander off until completely goes away?

I am lonely in my ponderings, gazing out beyond

Damaged and slightly sad that time has dealt me this cruel hand

I probably won’t remember anyway as they lead me around the room

The times of utter brilliance will be shadowed by this gloom

No one will remember me as I was back then

Bright and full of life, sharp and knowing all

No real point in dwelling on as the time is drawing near

When nothing will be remembered not even those most dear

Our story is not one of gods or greater beings it is of fire, droughts and now widespread disease and anxiety in our community.  Beyond all this we must embrace the generosity of life and our existence whenever we can.

For many years we have suffered the blight of drought.  Despondently kicking the dirt in the dusty barren paddocks, battling to feed and water the stock and our families.  The crops have died, some did not even get planted to get to the point of burning off in the unrelenting heat. Gazing to the skies for some respite and seeing nothing except the occasional bird and still in inevitable flies who are also looking for moisture wherever they can find it.  Boring into the corner of our eyes, landing on the sides of our mouth, getting caught in our hair and clothes.  Relentless stalking of our every move, they form a halo around our sweating bodies.

We tap the sides of the water tank fruitlessly; we know it has not rained – just checking anyway.  We stand at the side of the puddle which was once a bountiful dam.  We watch the sheep, mud up to their knees struggling out into the middle of the dam to get a drink.

The Ute is laden with very expensive fodder, hard come by and of fairly poor quality however it was all that was left to buy after our own supply ran out.  Standing on the back of Ute ready to scatter the food, we survey the scene. The sheep look at us expectantly, hoping, ready.  A love hate feeling hangs in the hot air, fighting for space with the black needy flies.

We are proud of our land, we are hard-working, we are farmers and have been here before just not for such a long time in my memory…the drought is dragging on

Our needs are simple, our wishes few, our prayers many

We wait slumped against the Ute after the feeding has been done, gazing to the sky waiting for the generosity of the skies to release us from this burden.

We know it will come, we know it will come, we know it will come- it is written on our hearts, the words cross our half-closed eyes.  We push back our hats, brush the flies from our faces, straighten our backs, nod a knowing smile to each other and prepare for the next day or perhaps it was today ……..gone already.